the Lover by me

the clouds hover above me
lightning crashes to the earth around me
the wind screams out my name
thunder resonates through my body

or is it just my heart
beating
answering the call of the thunder
or is it my soul 
pounding 
at its shell in fear of eternity

yearning to escape the acid flowing through my veins
longing to flee your embrace that taints my flesh

your embrace 
that burns
your love
that kills
my love

*******************************************************************

If by Rudyard Kipling
(1865-1936)


If you can keep your head when all about you 
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; 
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too; 
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, 
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies, 
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating, 
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim; 
If you can meet with triumph and disaster 
And treat those two imposters just the same; 
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken 
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, 
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools; 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings 
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, 
And lose, and start again at your beginnings 
And never breath a word about your loss; 
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone, 
And so hold on when there is nothing in you 
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on"; 

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, 
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch; 
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you; 
If all men count with you, but none too much; 
If you can fill the unforgiving minute 
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

*******************************************************

nothing by me

Nothing
I look around me
Around us
Nothing
What do they see?
Anything?
What do you see?
What do you feel?
Nothing
A word that holds so little weight 
But weighs so heavily on my heart
I was once everything
I still am in their eyes
That Is where I live my fantasies anymore
Because nothing has you
It replaced me
They replaced me
With nothing
Nothing is painful
Nothing is lonely
Nothing is cold
Nothing is us
Nothing is me
In your eyes

************************************************************

Thoughts on nothing in general...by me

The person I would like to fall in love with and would like to 
have fall in love with me does NOT exist. I have come to terms 
with that now.  I used to think I was the relationship type.  
That I was oriented toward being the type of person people could 
rely on to be a good partner.  I realize now that I was wrong.  
No one is going to be able to make me happy the way I want to 
be happy.  No one… except for the figure in my head.  That 
person has the ability to make me smile at any time...has the 
ability to comfort me at just the right moment.  That person 
knows exactly what to say, how to say it and when to say it.  
They know how to touch me, how to leave me alone, how to laugh 
at me and laugh with me.  I know very little about what he looks 
like…a little more about what he might sound like…I know a lot 
about how he thinks and feels…but most importantly I know exactly 
how he makes me feel and how I feel about him.  This person does 
not exist.  And I for one refuse to lower my standards for what 
I know I need to be happy emotionally.  Seems rather silly 
though to live a life alone with only thoughts of a ghost when 
you could at least find something close to what you are looking 
for and experience moments of happiness.  I don’t want moments…I 
want a lifetime!!!!  Selfish?  Greedy?  Unrealistic?  Or am I 
simply remaining true to the meaning of love?  Who knows…I do know 
that I am a very loving person though I don’t show it much anymore 
and maybe that is why I am content to live alone.  Though I abhor 
the thought of going through life simply for myself with no one 
to share it with, I realize now that experiences in my past with 
my family and with those I have tried to love in the more recent 
past have tainted my ability to remain open.  I am more comfortable 
to be withdrawn and closed up.  I am more comfortable if the person 
has little access to my feelings…I am more afraid that anyone may 
realize how afraid I am of being hurt again and out of self defense 
I suppose I have resorted to what most people do…I am hiding from 
those feelings which I desire most.  I can’t give myself to people 
the way I have in the past because I am afraid they will take 
advantage of me again.  No one will ever understand the torment and 
pain I went through with Dale.  Those 14 months scarred me more deeply 
than almost any other incident in my life.  




It is my understanding that within the circles of philosophy there 
exists some debate as to whether human nature is inherently good or 
evil.  It is my opinion that we are neither at birth.  I believe that 
in order for something to be good or evil the person who commits the 
act in question is aware of the meaning of good and evil as it applies 
to the society within which the act is committed.  Therefore, it 
stands to reason that I believe that good and evil are taught and 
not behaviors that are inherent to our race.  How is this explained?  
Look at the beliefs of the numerous cultures that inhabit this planet.  
How many of them preach of acts that vary from nation to nation, 
religions to religion, political sect to political sect?  How is a 
child to know that killing, stealing, cheating, lying, deceiving, 
adultery, etc. are wrong if they are not taught these things?  They 
could just as easily be taught that honesty, kindness, giving, loving, 
caring, integrity etc. are evil.  The “idea” of good and evil are 
subject to the interpretations of each individual, which are usually 
based on their environment during childhood.  If a child abandoned on 
an island, fighting to fend for itself and survive the elements, absent 
of parental care or supervision, comes to the conclusion on his own 
that he must kill what he can for food to survive is he wrong?  I am 
not advocating murder for any reason in this excerpt, but merely using 
the act as a tool for understanding.  I am reminded of the story, 
“Lord of the Flies”.  If you remember the tale, you will recall how the 
children naturally submitted to their primitive instincts of survival, 
thus creating an environment most persons of modern society would find 
antiquated, if not reprehensible.  I am not an authority of any sort 
in genetics, but I don’t feel that your family lineage can play such a 
part in our lives that we inherently develop in a malevolent or 
benevolent manner.  These acts are learned and the rules are applicable 
only to the society in which they are introduced. Good or bad…these 
ideas are a product of mans desire to explain, justify and categorize 
every element it comes into contact with. Good and evil are options…
love and hate are options…kindness and belligerence are options…life 
and death are options…not requirements.  


I never asked to be who I am, but here I am none the less and I am 
more sorry for it than anyone else could possibly imagine.  Although 
I don’t think I would change it if I had had the opportunity.  “To 
err is human” I believe the saying goes, so if it wasn’t being gay 
then I am sure it would have been something else just as devastating 
to the public norm.  Something just as horrendous to my family’s 
precious values.  Something else just as degrading, humiliating, 
devastating and debilitating to the human spirit.  And the most 
unfortunate thing about all this is that these feelings are a direct 
result of being a part of the gay community.  Which leads us to the next
paragraph.

Never in my life have I been associated with such a vindictive, 
back-stabbing, cruel, heartless, cold, materialistic, oppressive group 
as when I decided to be openly gay.  The only thing I have to thank 
them for is that they made me stronger…not out of care or concern but out 
of necessity for survival.  

*******************************************************************

What it has meant to be gay…

I am gay. 
I can’t possibly expect anyone to understand how liberating a 
statement that is.  Not even for my fellow gay community members.  I 
believe that it means something different for each of us.  For me though,
it means everything.  At least I thought it did, until I realized the 
irreparable damage living a lie for so many years did to me.  

For the past few years I have wanted to place the blame at the feet of my 
family, my friends and society as a whole.  It was their opinions of 
homosexuality that forced me into the “closet”.  (I despise that word…you 
would think that “fags” could have come up with something a little more 
creative than that.)  

I don’t want this piece to come off sounding as though I am against gays 
or that I don’t want to be gay, blah blah blah.  It isn’t that at all.  
If anything, I am proud of who I am and I would probably choose to be gay 
again in some other life if that were the way the afterlife worked.  The 
point of this story is to let those who read it that aren’t gay know and 
learn that it is their lack of tolerance, their misunderstandings, their…
well, their ignorance that causes many gay lives to experience more pain 
and heartache than is necessary.  Maybe for some that isn’t a concern or 
doesn’t bother them any, but I think there are some people out there who 
would like to make some attempt at understanding “us” a little better.  
And so for them (and myself), I write this letter.  

I tried so hard all my life to live up to everyone else’s expectations 
of me.  What is most upsetting about this is that most of those expecta-
tions were expectations I placed on myself.  I placed them on myself 
because I saw how society viewed “the norm” and “the exceptional” and I 
wanted to be seen that way.  So I placed expectations on myself that 
would compel me to meet them.  

My parents never expected more of me than who I was, and they always 
wanted the best for me.  They wanted to make sure that I could 
experience the best life possible with as little pain and heartache as 
possible.  Though they were realistic enough to see that some pain and 
heartache are a part of life.  Without them, you don’t really get the 
true life experience.  However, the dichotomy of those wishes and 
desires for me were that I was to lead a normal life and a gay life was 
by no means normal.  Therefore, that was not an option or consideration.  
My family was normal for the most part.  There wasn’t anything unusual 
about my family or childhood that I can recall.  And I would like to 
think that I am a smart, insightful and intuitive person.  And being 
such, I saw that my family was normal and I picked up from the rest 
of the world what the vision of normalcy was.  I saw that in the world 
of normal that homosexuality was not accepted.  Therefore, it made 
sense to me that my family would not accept homosexuality though it 
was never really discussed that I can remember.  No one else in my 
family was gay so it wasn’t ever brought up.  It wasn’t on T.V., it 
wasn’t in the news really, and it wasn’t discussed in the private 
schools I attended (that was another problem with my growing up – 
the Christian oriented schools).  IT wasn’t discussed.  So, I 
assumed that the beliefs of the majority applied to my family and 
circle of friends as well.  So one can draw the conclusion that when 
I started to have feelings for guys, and I recognized what they were 
and I could begin to understand the implications of such feelings I 
withdrew from my “true” self.  How did I do that?  Easy!  I 
suppressed these feelings.  I refused to acknowledge them, thus giving 
them no chance to take root or gain validity.  If I didn’t accept 
the feelings then I could “fit in” with everyone else and live a 
“normal” life and everything would turn out fine.  So I thought.  
So I misled myself.  So I deluded myself.  I fell into the heterosexual 
trap.  It was kind of like a lost treasure and I was hunting for the 
reward at the end of the trail on the map marked by an X.  The X 
represented the success of leading a productive, fruitful, normal hetero 
life.  

Imagine, if you can, that you are working for a company.  Most people 
determine their atmosphere and company protocol by watching others, and 
lets say that you are “most” people.  They watch others to see how they 
can fit in.  They watch others who have been there for a while to see 
what they can and can’t do to make a good name for themselves in that 
company.  The whole point of this charade though is to move up within 
the company and belong to yet another group…a more elite group…a group 
with yet more rules and regulations on how they should act.  The hardest 
thing for them to swallow, though, is that the rules aren’t the same.  
The old rules don’t always apply.  Now they don’t belong again.  They 
have to try harder to fit in.  They are expected to be someone else…again.  
How stressful is that?  Anyone who has been promoted knows what I am 
talking about and get the gist of my poor analogy.  The point is, that 
you have to basically pretend to a degree so that you are accepted.  
You have to pretend that you don’t mind being worked like a dog.  You 
have to pretend that you don’t mind working late every day of the week 
with little to no recognition.  You have to pretend that you don’t mind 
taking the fall for others mistakes.  You also have to watch everything 
you do.  You must scrutinize every action you make for fear of breaking 
a rule or committing some act that might be misconstrued as bad business.  
Some companies even use cameras in their buildings to view how their 
employees are using their time.  They monitor their Internet use.  Some 
employees are even watched outside of work to see how they spend their 
off time at the bars, drinking.  The tension and stress that puts on a 
person is ludicrous.  For a person to have to worry and scrutinize every 
move they make for fear of making a mistake is grounds for insanity.  
Well guess what?  That is how I lived the first 21 years of my life.  I 
had to watch, and scrutinize and agonize over EVERYTHING I did for fear 
of someone finding out that I might be gay. I was so worried that someone 
would find out about my feelings for guys that I studied other people’s 
actions constantly and mine as well.  Can you imagine how hard it is to 
work and study and grow up while constantly having to worry what other 
people are seeing when they look at you?  I worried about the way I 
walked, the way I talked, the way I gestured with my hands, the way I 
wrote, the way I carried my backpack, the way I said hello to someone, 
the way I breathed!  There was not one minute detail in my life that I 
didn’t worry about someone using against me to prove that I was gay.  
One can see how this could easily lead to paranoia.  Feeling like 
everyone is watching you to see if you act gay when really it is you 
watching everyone else to see if they are watching you.  It sounds 
silly and weird and twisted and I agree.  It is a demented way to live 
your life, but such was my life and I am paying for it now and probably 
will for the rest of my life.  I am 26 now and I am not sure how I can 
change some of these ingrained actions into my mind.  

Things are different now.  My family and friends know about me.  And 
most have come to accept me for who I am.  I am very grateful for that 
and couldn’t ask for better parents, or friends or boyfriend.  BUT!  
But, I am still worried about what people think about me.  Anyone who 
knows what it feels like to worry about what others think about, can 
understand this even if it hasn’t happened very often in your life.  
It is a very demoralizing, loss of control kind of feeling.  You feel 
like you are at the mercy of that person accepting you.  You try so 
hard to please those people that you do anything that you think will 
make them happy even though it isn’t something you would ordinarily 
do for your self.  Sound silly?  It is and I agree.  But when you try 
your whole life to make the world accept you for whom you think they 
want you to be it is hard to let that go even when you grow up.  It 
is hard to find yourself underneath all those facades and masks and 
shells of protection.  Shells to protect the true you from discovery 
for fear not of the unknown but of the known.  The known being that 
you will be left out in the cold and hated and despised and spit at 
for being who you are…gay.  


*******************************************************************

you by me


Your voice echoes through my mind
…Feeds my heart
…Fills my soul

Your touch burns my skin
…Warms my heart
…Tempts my soul

Your gaze locks my eyes
…Stops my heart
…Captures my soul

Your kiss sends me reeling through time
…Melts my heart
…Sends my soul soaring

Your embrace envelops me with desire
…Steals my heart
…Offers sanctuary to my soul

Your love lifts me beyond the stars
…Makes my heart whole
…Makes my soul yours

Your words taint my mind
…Starves my heart for truth
…Empties my soul of myself

Your distance chills my body
…Breaks my heart
…Teases my soul

Your averted eyes scare me
…Send my heart racing with questions
…Crushes my soul

Your peck on the cheek leaves me motionless
…Freezes my heart
…Casts my soul to the ground

Your accidental touch of my hand frozen on my skin
…Releases my heart
…Locks out my soul 

Your apathy lets me plummet through the depths of your darkness
…Makes my heart shatter
…Makes my soul forgotten

Your silence leaves me wandering
…My heart lost
…My soul destroyed

*****************************************************************
Birches  by Robert Frost
(1874-1963)


When I see birches bend to left and right
Across the lines of straighter darker trees, 
I like to think some boy's been swinging them. 
But swinging doesn't bend them down to stay. 
Ice-storms do that.
Often you must have seen them 
Loaded with ice a sunny winter morning After a rain. 
They click upon themselves 
As the breeze rises, and turn many-coloured 
As the stir cracks and crazes their enamel. 
Soon the sun's warmth makes them shed crystal shells 
Shattering and avalanching on the snow-crust 
Such heaps of broken glass to sweep away 
You'd think the inner dome of heaven had fallen. 
They are dragged to the withered bracken by the load, 
And they seem not to break; though once they are bowed 
So low for long, they never right themselves: 
You may see their trunks arching in the woods 
Years afterwards, trailing their leaves on the ground, 
Like girls on hands and knees that throw their hair 
Before them over their heads to dry in the sun. 
But I was going to say when 
Truth broke in With all her matter-of-fact about the ice-storm, 
I should prefer to have some boy bend them 
As he went out and in to fetch the cows-- 
Some boy too far from town to learn baseball, 
Whose only play was what he found himself, 
Summer or winter, and could play alone. 
One by one he subdued his father's trees 
By riding them down over and over again 
Until he took the stiffness out of them, 
And not one but hung limp, not one was left 
For him to conquer. 
He learned all there was 
To learn about not launching out too soon 
And so not carrying the tree away 
Clear to the ground. He always kept his poise 
To the top branches, climbing carefully 
With the same pains you use to fill a cup 
Up to the brim, and even above the brim. 
Then he flung outward, feet first, with a swish, 
Kicking his way down through the air to the ground. 
So was I once myself a swinger of birches. 
And so I dream of going back to be. 
It's when I'm weary of considerations, 
And life is too much like a pathless wood 
Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs 
Broken across it, and one eye is weeping 
From a twig's having lashed across it open. 
I'd like to get away from earth awhile 
And then come back to it and begin over. 
May no fate willfully misunderstand me And half grant what I wish and snatch me away 
Not to return. 
Earth's the right place for love: 
I don't know where it's likely to go better. 
I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree
And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk 
Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more, 
But dipped its top and set me down again. 
That would be good both going and coming back. 
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches. 

*********************************************************************************


I Saw in Louisiana A Live-Oak Growing by Walt Whitman
(1819-1892)





I saw in Louisiana a live-oak growing,
All alone stood it and the moss hung down from the branches,
Without any companion it grew there uttering joyous leaves of dark green,
And its look, rude, unbending, lusty, made me think of myself,
But I wondere'd how it could utter joyous leaves standing alone there without 
              its friend near, 
For I knew I could not,
And I broke off a twig with a certain number of leaves upon it, and twined 
              around it a little moss,
And brought it away, and I have placed it in sight in my room.
It is not needed to remind me as of my own dear friends,
(For I believe latelty I think of little else than of them,)
Yet it remains to me a curious token, it makes me think of manly love;
For all that, and thought the live-oak glistens there in Louisiana solitary 
              in a wide flat space,
Uttering joyous leaves all its life without a friend or a lover near,
I know very well I could not.


*********************************************************************************

Alone by Edgar Allen Poe
(1809-1849)


From childhood's hour I have not been 
As others were — I have not seen 
As others saw — I could not bring 
My passions from a common spring — 
From the same source I have not taken 
My sorrow — I could not awaken 
My heart to joy at the same tone — 
And all I lov'd — I lov'd alone — 
Then — in my childhood — in the dawn 
Of a most stormy life — was drawn 
From ev'ry depth of good and ill 
The mystery which binds me still — 
From the torrent, or the fountain — 
From the red cliff of the mountain — 
From the sun that 'round me roll'd 
In its autumn tint of gold — 
From the lightning in the sky 
As it pass'd me flying by — 
From the thunder, and the storm — 
And the cloud that took the form 
(When the rest of Heaven was blue) 
Of a demon in my view —

Posession by Sarah McLachlan

listen as the wind blows 
from across the great divide
voices trapped in yearning
memories trapped in time

the night is my companion
and solitude my guide
would I spend forever here
and not be satisfied

and I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I’ll take your breath away
and after I 
wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear

‘cause through this world I stumbled
so many times betrayed
tryin’ to find an honest word to find
the truth enslaved

oh, you speak to me in riddles
and you speak to me in rhymes
my body aches to breath your breathe
your words keep me alive

and I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I’ll take your rbeath away
and after I
wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear

into this night I wander
it’s morning that I dread
another day of no way out
the path I fear to tread

oh, into this sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride
‘cause nothing stands between us here
and I won’t be denied

and I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I’ll take your breath away
and after I 
wipe away the tears
just close your eyes

 The Dance...by me

from dawn to dusk the days pass on
pay no heed to him who stands alone
wandering about as a ship tossed in the sea
lost and afraid in his world of tragedy

the sun ascends toward its heavenly throne
warmth and light shying from his face
leaving this traveler's stormy realm
a cold, dark lonely place

the clouds and wind dance the sky
as this lone figure in the distance gazes
dreaming of his only chance
praying for that eternal dance

love and passion pass him by
like a knight and his blade neath the moon
in a suit of armour that glimmers with hope
throughout his world that has no room

love and knight embrace in autumns air
the world moving to the beat of their heart
as the wanderer stands with shadows at his side
never to feel the rhythm or pride

the sun, the moon and stars join in
whilst love and knight are hand in hand
still the lone figure stands aside
lost in his world with nowhere to hide

time draws near to yet another end
and love takes flight on the wings of chance
the lone figure watches, the knight falls to his knees
leaving one to reflect and the other to dream

when love departs this magnificent knight
when time and clouds stand still
the lone figure will rise and take that chance
in a world that offers one last dance

Homeless by me


looking through the darkness
eyes veiled with pain
body weary from travel
this journey we took
we left the path some time back
thought we could follow the stars to find our way back together
instead we followed the signs like the others
and ended up at this dead end like the map said
i should have kept my eyes open and my heart blind
but you forced your way in
and led me on this wild trip
by my heart
and not by my hand at my side
to nowhere and everywhere

looking through the darkness
eyes swollen from the sea
body cold from the absence of light
this journey we took
where were we ever headed?
thought i could keep this together you and i
strong, loving, caring, generous and forgiving
those words you lost for me in the shadows of your world
i should have kept them to myself 'cause now
they are weak, angry, jaded, cold and memories
this is what you have for me?
after i paid the price...

tell me those things once more 
once more before you leave
and look into this puddle to see who believes them still
(ignore the ripples if you can)
were they ever meant for me?
or for you to believe in yourself...
do you believe them now?
i was once your pupil for love
ready and willing to learn all you had to teach me
and now, 
i am your successor to pain
wiser for having been taught these lessons 
not so wise for having to take this course twice
you provided me with hope
a place to build my dreams
and now,
you leave me homeless
with not even a shadow to hide behind
with the light you stole when you ran away
to the path of another...

may your journeys there be what you hope them to be
while mine end here on this cliff you left me standing at

to follow the signs this time i should turn back...

to follow your course i would walk the edge...

to follow mine i should fall...

but to walk with the veil of love and hope once more?
i choose to follow mine...

The Coming of Wisdom with Time

by William Butler Yeats
1865-1939



Though leaves are many, the root is one;
Through all the lying days of my youth
I swayed my leaves and flowers in the sun;
Now I may wither into the truth.

Quote

by Mike Leung, Boston MA



It may be hard to live a full life without regret,
but if you live your whole life without even trying,
you might as well regret having ever lived.

Fear

by Me



Have you ever been afraid?
Afraid of anything…?
I have
I’ve been afraid of one thing
And of all those things out there to be afraid of
What more frightening a thing could there be
Than oneself?
I have always wished I were something else
…someone else
…something better
…something smarter
…something better looking
…something more pleasant to be around
…something more helpful to mankind
but not once
NEVER
have I ever wish
To be me

I never gave anyone else a chance
Because I never saw it in myself to give me a chance
I never saw myself as something worth having that chance

In a million lifetimes
I am not sure that I would ever deserve that chance

I wonder what it feels like
To wish to be yourself
To feel so good about yourself
That you couldn't imagine being anyone else in the world

Everyday I look at people
I scrutinize
I pick
I discard
As if they too weren’t human
As if they too weren’t worthy

How did I get here?
What were the choices I had?
what were the decisions I made?
will I ever understand?
Will death be the answer to all
Or the beginning of yet another lonely 
Hideous
Mind numbing
Journey 
Through the world of everyone else
And never my own

I wish for so many things
And none of them are what I have

Is that our nature?
Or just mine
And no matter what the answer
Is it to dominate my every thought
And permeate the darkest recesses of my soul for the rest of my life 
As it has since conception

Was I destined for this?
Were it the fates desire to see me go mad
Or at least what it must feel like to go mad
Over the course of a lifetime
And yet somehow crammed into the finite grains of each and every day I breathe

Will I ever know what it means to love
Is it necessary to know?
really?

And if so
Then why doesn’t man understand the concept
Know one can ever truly say they know love
Not the love I know that exists
Not the love I know to be unattainable
Not the love I knew to be real

Is there hope
And if so what is its purpose
All that really counts
All that really matters
All that rules us is fear
Fear of not knowing ourselves
Fear of not having hope
Fear of not knowing love
And we never find any of those
Yet we endlessly run ourselves into the dirt like puppies who just found their tale for the first time
Searching for all those things that we as men and women can never have
We aren’t meant to have them

Love 
Hope
Faith
Those aren’t real
They are marketing tools for all the propagandists
Fear
Fear is what motivates us
Fear is what controls us
Fear is what dictates to us
The story of our lives

Makes it all seem like a game then doesn’t it
If we are somehow driven in this heart wrenching pursuit of things which we cannot have
Which cannot be
It is our nature to seek these things
It is our destiny to fail

Why then
Why then do we seek out love
Pray with faith
Fill our hearts with hope
Taint our minds with dreams

Because 
We
Fear